A PERSONAL STORY by Carolyn Ng`ang`a

As I opened my eyes to the morning light streaming in through theb edroom curtains, my thoughts inevitably went to my current financial crisis. As my sweetie lay sleeping by my side, I wondered how I would make ends meet this month should my employer not pay me the long overdue pay raise. How would I pay my car insurance due at end month when I could barely afford the basic living necessities as it is andowed money left, right and center?. The feeling of failure and being a big disappointment to myself, my loved ones and all who knew me overwhelmed me and I felt an ice cold fear grip my heart. It was all I could do not to cry.

There was a stirring of the duvet and looking down I saw my 17 ½months old baby boy was awake. I struggled to put on a smile for him and he rewarded me with a hello; only it was an unintelligible string of words that only a mother could understand. Then he did it. It was as sweet as it was unexpected and yet it made me feel like I had won the big lottery. My baby leaned his head up and forward towards me andg ave me a kiss right on my lips mmuuaah! This from a toddler who was struggling to assert his independence and had recently started giving kisses discriminately and even then after much pleading and cajoling. I smiled back even more broadly after recovering from the initial surprise. He then muttered some more unintelligible words before kissing me twice more.

What were those depressing thoughts I was having a minute ago? In the face of such a pure show of love not to mention the simply adorable look from my son those gloomy thoughts flew out the window. It was aninspiring moment!

Did my baby have a sixth sense about his mama's financial woes or was it a kiss from an angel sent by God to calm and reassure Hisdaughter? ....Yes that would be me. In all my trials and tribulations I had all but forgotten that I was His child. I was reminded that Heis the one who had blessed me with my son. I realize now that Godwould not have blessed me with this beautiful child only to leave me struggling unable to provide for him the best life. It was a reminder that He was there present with me, that He did know of all my woes, that He did care and that I was to trust Him with the breakthrough. It was a life affirming moment.

It's not easy to just sit and wait on God in the face of impending"doom" but in subtle yet profound ways God lets us know that He understands and He is right there with us helping us through to the breakthrough. I just want to shout out to Him and say "Oh God I believe! Help my unbelief!"