LAUGH LINES 2 from Reader's Digest

"When you don't know what you're talking about, it's hard to know when you're finished."
— Tommy Smothers

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Six things you never want to hear at the tattoo parlor:

" 'Eagle?' I thought you said 'beagle.' "

"Boy, I hate it when I get hiccups."

"Hey, buddy, we ran out of red, so I used pink."

"Two O's in 'Bob,' right?"

"I bet you can't tell I've never done this before."

"Anything else you want to say? You've got all kinds of room back here."

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As an airline reservation agent, I took a call from a man who wanted to book a flight for two but wasn't happy with the price of $59 per ticket. "I want the $49 fare I saw advertised," he insisted, saying he would accept a flight at any time.

I managed to find two seats on a 6 a.m. flight. "I'll take it," he said, then worried his wife might not like the early hour. I warned there was a fee of $25 per person if he changed the reservation. "Oh, that's no problem," he said dismissively. "What's fifty bucks?"
Submitted by Anna Zogg

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My son, age 13, was sick in bed with bronchitis, and although he showed some general improvement, his harsh cough persisted and could be heard all over the house. Worried, too, that he was missing so much school, I went into his room to see how he felt. There he was, propped up in bed, earphones on, listening to a baseball game -- while the tape recorder coughed on and on. The next morning, he was in school.
Submitted by James S. Woods

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One Saturday night my boss and her family came to our house to play cards. As they were driving away at the end of the evening, I discovered that she had left her purse in a corner next to the dining-room hutch. I was about to call her house, intending to leave a message on the answering machine, when my son reminded me that they had a cell phone.

As I dialed the number, I marveled at the technology that would alert them before they had driven all the way home. A few seconds later the purse began to ring.
Submitted by Patty Dunham

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Safety is job one in the Air Force. Overstating the obvious is job two, as I discovered when crawling into my military-issue sleeping bag. The label read "In case of an emergency, unzip and exit through the top."
Submitted by Keith J. Walters